It is, of course, imperative that you dress correctly for any Dickie de Vere engagement. As the Bard famously put it :"Apparel doth oft proclaim the man", so, for pity's sake, don't proclaim anything that might be considered other than suitable. Here are some simple tips that you might find of use:


Shoes - Black or brown - absolutely non-negotiable (unless, of course, you are wearing correspondent shoes.....) Anything resembling a 'training shoe' will be immediately confiscated, and you may be required to eat it later.

Hair - Should be neat, short (above the ears) and dressed with an approved hair lotion. Honourable exceptions include flamboyant conductors of classical music, and brilliant Mittel European men of science.

Baldness - Should be borne with fortitude. No wigs, please - they're vulgar and self-deluding.

Facial hair - If you must, confine yourself to a well-clipped moustache. Beards will not be tolerated under any circumstances unless you can prove that you are , or have been, a professor. Otherwise, it will be assumed that you are a revolutionary and/or a Shoreditch hipster, and  immediate arrangements will be made for your imminent departure to somewhere nasty.  This applies equally, one might add, to the ladies.....

Suitings - Lounge suits are considered proper on these occasions unless, of course, black tie/white tie is called for, but WATCH THOSE BAGS!!! anything too voluminous may be interpreted as sexually dubious, whilst a narrower gauge trouser is, frankly, verging on the spivvish - you've been warned.

Ties - Of course.

Pipes - If you've a briar, bring it.


One can rely on you to be the perfect fragrant accessory to the gentlemen.....